fail at something today. (don't read this)

(& quickly: I almost chuckled at myself after writing that - for obvious reasons - confused as to why - but can you see the slight humor in something like that? I guess it's more funny than serious, more ridiculous than true & more in jest than literal)

there's no way I can put into words how I feel right now - & that's odd because on the day it wasn't quite so bad. big thanks to all my family members & mates for making the bash a success & I guess I was so pre0occupied with going out afterwards, hanging out, driving around, etc., etc., that pain & anxiety are only now this very morning setting in (& I'm quite surprised at actually how tired I am).

I knew it was going to be rough when "natural disaster" by Andrew Bird played during the morning commute. but I seem to almost be at a loss for words - hopefully this Cafe' Verona will unlock something special for you in my mind, but I almost feel like I've let you down in a way - a BIG way! - (& for that, I apologize) we all have odd or indifferent ways of handling defeat, sadness, pain, etc., did I suppress it? Unsure. Only time will tell. I know now that I won't be myself for quite sometime & OH! "the golden age" by Beck just came on - ahh - how fitting! (solemn)

when you think about how big this was - when you allow a little time for reflection - when you've followed these faces, personalities, abilities, story lines, accomplishments, victories!, good times, bad times, journeys, etc., all year long, - & everything seemingly culminates in the end - at the top of that mountain I was talking about - then aahh -- GGAAWW! (maybe a pretty good slip from your left foot off that mtn. top) it's just difficult to function in your normal capacities - listen, I don't expect everyone to be able to understand how I feel, or why I feel this way - (& keep in mind, i've mentioned nothing of a sporting event, career decision, marriage, divorce, child birth, sickness, death, promotion, winning lotto ticket, knee injury, fist fight, rock concert, -- this can be for anything, for anyone) use my pain for your overall well being - learn from a general tub of life - that little daily devotions can be picked out of & read aloud for educational purposes.

keep this with you for your time of need - & it'll help you in knowing that you're not alone - it's like Skinner & "dry your eyes mate", - we all go through monumental BS & it's only how we interact with our friends & family & maybe art that will bring us through - but I seem to think that pain can be bigger than art - but that's a whole other topic that hopefully I'll never (have to) discuss.

I think i'll "go away" for a while. remember though that I say this w/love & devotion in my cold, cold heart. dont forget sense of community type stuff/proper downtown situation/beauty & all that "stuff". who knows, maybe we'll talk again sometime. I'm just done.