this is 1/8th of my manifesto, (I'll let you know when i finish it,...)

do you know what it means to contemplate purpose in your life? (bruised ambition) It's like this: I can't play these games anymore, I don't want to, & I don't have to. (relevant thought)

I thought more about Revol. rd today & that film (beyond) speaks to me, especially at this point in my life. Not because i liked it, or didn't like it, (bigger than that) but solely because i recognize that things don't turn out the way you want them to in life.

at some point it's about your dreams in life, then it becomes about courage, then doubt, then regret, then lastly, well i'm not sure yet cause i'm really stuck somewhere after the doubt phase. but what is it that bridges the,...or should i say, why does the bridge sometimes crumble on or around courage st.?

(& you slowly start to see why i'm calling this the first part of my public declaration,..) (is there a science to this?)

I fail at something everyday.

but shouldn't we? won't our trials make us stronger? should we always care? because i can sit here right now & tell you that the majority of the time, I don't care. & aren't most people (again, the majority) just totally ok with the status-quo? I guarantee you that most people's true vision of happiness is simply not working, or doing the least amount of work possible & still be able to earn the same pay - raise your hand if you're a straight shooter with upper-management written all over your face________!

so take your time, & bottle up & explode & pound something & yell profanely when things don't go your way. but in the end, at the end of the day, (didn't Wes Anderson say it,...?) "it doesn't interest me" & I'm tired of apologizing for my lack of interest in things. I'm simply not interested like you are. I'm a man, shouldn't that count for something?

My failures don't make me stronger - at least I don't feel that they do. They may subconsciously effect me in a positive manner, but only in explaining my unhappiness at them. So I'll push people away, & say filthy words under my breath, & break no ground & continue to wear my emotions on my sleeve. (which i'll never care about) Go ahead & squeak by. But I believe the fact that I do wear my emotions out is one reason why I don't feign enthusiasm in certain matters. How many of us walk around in a perpetual state of dishonesty? Think about that the next time you're in an uncomfortable to semi-uncomfortable social situation.

I'm brushing your thoughts off my shoulder like dandruff on a black sweater - Is what I say to myself. Now you know that this is just therapy. Because what can a therapist tell me about my problems that I don't already know? So go ahead & judge me cause I'm simply not interested in it. I'm turning over a new leaf, one in which the powers that be will shake in their knickers when they only imagine the mere mention of my face & or name. Soon, they'll fear me.

I get tired of my thermos leaking, one wasted drip after one wasted drip until I deem it utterly worthless & broken. Won't someone please grab me a bib?